Growing Up Girl

I just came back from the gym having achieved my fastest pace on a mile...EVER. And yet, I am still not proud of myself.

For most of my life I have had a weight problem. It has just been recently, looking back at photos from high school and college where I realized that I DIDN'T have a physical weight problem, but an emotional one.

You see, I never thought of myself as skinny, thin, or even of average-where-you're-supposed-to-be weight. I always thought I was overweight and fat. Oh, if only I knew.

If I had known that in reality I wasn't fat, that I wasn't overweight, I probably would have loved myself a whole lot more. I may not be where I am today. I may not be having to work so hard every.single.day. But if I ever get down to a weight and size that I'm comfortable with, I will love myself and love being me and I will NOT take it for granted.

People may think, "Well, your parents just didn't instill confidence in you or help raise your self-esteem."

Not true.

My parents always supported me, told me I could be and do whatever I wanted (even if it was out in left field) and always told me how pretty and beautiful I was. Even now they tell me that and so does my husband, but it is still very, very hard to believe.

And I can't exactly pinpoint what it was and or when it was where I started feeling this way. I'd like to be able to point to a specific magazine, television ad, or person who might've influenced my self image, but I can't.

For those of you who don't know, it is really hard to be a girl. I know, I know, we make it look easy. But what you don't see is the countless hours trying new hairstyles to see which one frames your face. Or changing outfits seven times because you just can't find something that makes you feel pretty. Or sneaking makeup behind your mother's back because you're "too young" but those red blotches aren't going away by themselves. And what you really don't see is all the internal conflict.

It's hard.

And even when all that awful puberty, middle school and even high school stuff is over it's still hard.

I think that most girls have gone through this at some point in their lives. I think it's hard not to when we are constantly seeing girls with 0% body fat (thankfully this is not as prevalent as it used to be) on the cover of magazines, in TV and movies, etc. We think that if we can't feel or see all of our bones poking through our skin that something is wrong, that we're overweight and that we need to starve ourselves in order to be loved.

For me, it is a constant struggle. A daily struggle. Not only physically, but mentally and emotionally. Each day when I wake up and I stand in front of the mirror to brush my teeth I have to tell myself "You are beautiful. You are getting there." because sometimes that feeling just isn't there.

It's a daily struggle to get to where I want to be and some days it feels far easier to just give up. But I've got willpower now and I have a support team. I've already given up on myself once and I made a promise to never do that again. So no matter what, I keep going, keep trucking and keep pushing myself. And eventually something will happen, something will change.

Eventually, I'll get to where I'm supposed to be.

Getting to know me better

Kelley over at Over the Threshold nominated me for a Liebster Award. No idea what this is, other than some sort of blogging something...?? 

Anyway, in her nominating post she asked 11 questions of all her nominees. Another part is to nominate other bloggers, but I don't really know any bloggers except for the book blogs I follow, so I'll just answer the questions. They're pretty good questions, too. Maybe you guys'll know me better after reading this post!

Here are the questions and my corresponding answers: 

1. What is your favorite season of the year and why?

I think it would have to be summer. By then, my allergies are (mostly) gone. It's not cold. I can spend a lot of time outside without freezing and without sneezing my brains out. Plus, I love going to the beach. My favorite place is sitting in a beach chair, feet in the surf, a beer in my hand and reading a good book. 

2. How many siblings do you have?  Brothers or sisters?  Are you the youngest, oldest, or in the middle?

I have one younger brother. 

3. Beach or mountains?

Beach, no doubt about it. 

4. What is your favorite dessert?

Chocolate merengue pie. My grandmother used to make this every Christmas when I was little. I only had it once a year during the holidays and it was delicious. Now that she's getting older other family members help out with desserts (but chocolate merengue pie is still my favorite)

5. What is the most unusual illness or injury you've ever had?  Were you in the hospital?

Can't say I've ever had an unusual illness or injury. I think probably the most "interesting" thing that's happened is that I had my tonsils out at age 12. 

6. What is your favorite kitchen appliance?

My in-laws got me a stand mixer as a wedding present. It is pink. And I love it. 

7. What is the last song you sang out loud?

Trey and I were driving back from Concord, NC this past weekend and we sang "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts" in our most loudest, most ridiculous voices (Trey won, of course). 

8. If you had to eat at one fast food restaurant for the rest of your life, what would it be and why?

Hmm. I don't really eat at fast food places anymore. Does Panera count as fast food? I mean, there's no drive thru or anything, but they're fairly quick. 

9. What do you most hope readers will take away from your blog?

The main reason I (we) started this blog was because we had just gotten married and I figured we'd be more interesting. Turns out, we're not. But it's still a good way for friends and family who live away from us to keep up with what we're doing. 

10. What is one brand to which you are loyal and why?

I can't really think of anything that I am particularly loyal to. I prefer Kraft cheeses, and will usually get that since they often have coupons and in general they're not much more expensive than store brand. But in general, not loyal at all. We stick mostly to store brands unless there's a big sale and there are coupons. 

11. What would you do if you had 6-8 months to do anything you wanted and only what you wanted?  (so you don't have to work)

Travel. I would spend 2-3 weeks in each destination (Rome, Naples, Greece, London, Egypt, Beijing, Brazil...) Of course, this would also require an unlimited amount of money as traveling is expensive.  If unlimited money is not part of the deal then I would probably spend a lot of time reading, maybe take a class at VCU, go to various wineries and spend time with my husband and family. 

And I had to post this picture:

Running

On April 20th, 2013 I will attempt to finish my first 5K.

I am very nervous. I want to do well and run the whole thing. I'm doing well with pacing myself and knowing my limits, but I also know that if I can't finish this I will be very disappointed in myself.

Yesterday I ran 2.25 miles. I sprinted the last 1/4 mile, completely draining myself of energy. I was able to walk another 1/4 mile before I could feel muscles tightening up and knew that I needed to stretch. But I did it. And I ran farther and for longer than I ever have before (including when I was back in my ultra fit/in shape days).

I admit, I am still not a huge fan of running. It doesn't take a lot of coercing or forcing myself to start, but if I'm not in the right frame of mind at the time I place my feet on that treadmill belt, I find I can't run more than a mile.

If I DO finish a run that's more than a mile I feel fantastic. I'm sure I look like a goofball, walking out of the gym with an enormous grin plastered on my face, but I'm proud of myself and I've worked hard to get to this level. I'm still not where I want to be, but I'm not going to stop trying and I'm not going to give up on myself.

I have a friend who worked at the gym I go to and was pretty much my sole motivation for the first 6 months I was trying to change my life. She used to teach weight-lifting classes and if we had two more minutes of something she would said "Two minutes! You can do two minutes of anything!" I switch the numbers up to match the time I'm trying to achieve, but when I need to push myself five, ten, or another 1/4 mile I hear her voice in my head saying "You can do anything for ten minutes!!"

And I find that I can.

Tolerance. Inclusion. Acceptance. Understanding. Love

My brother has Down syndrome. This should not be new news to any of you, but just in case it was, now you know.

He is an extremely important person in my life; there is nothing I wouldn't do for him. From the time he was born I was involved in a world that a lot of people don't get to see or experience. It's not easy; the road is very rocky, sometimes impossible to travel, many times so dark you think you'll never get to see light again. But sometimes, oh sometimes, it is the best place in the world and you think to yourself "No one else will never know what this feels like. What this means." It's not an easy road, but no one ever said life was easy, right?

I worked with various agencies who provide services for children and adults with special needs. Throughout this work I have met some truly incredible people. But most of all, through getting to know these parents, I feel like I have gotten to know own mother a little bit better.

When I was younger and my brother was just starting school, my mother would spend hours on the phone, usually with school officials, teachers, social workers, etc, and most of the time she would be livid. You see, 15 years ago schools were not the accepting places for children with special needs that they are now (yes, you read that right, but we'll get to the present in a moment).  There was a school in Charlotte that was just for kids with special needs. No "typical" kids, no "typical" activities. And the school board wanted my brother there. My mother did not. She understood he needed to be included and not secluded. She understood that in order for him to grow, to change, to learn from his peers, he needed inclusion. It was a constant battle to get him placed into schools and while I'm not really sure of all the specifics, I know that she had to fight for his right to an education up until he entered high school. And even getting him into the high school that I had attended took threats of lawsuits and lawyers.

It's not a cakewalk today, by any means. Parents still have to fight for their children; they have to fight to get their kids into schools, they have to fight to get their kids the extra help they may need to succeed. And to top it all off they have to deal with ignorant dumbasses  parents and teachers who truly believe that their children don't deserve to be treated like other students or even, like humans.

The reason I bring all of this up is because horrible things still happen in schools. When a parent sends their child to school they expect that child to be safe, to be treated properly, and to be given an education. What they do NOT expect is their child to be ignored, physically punished, or emotionally abused (I am not getting into gun violence today).

I have a temper. In my opinion it's not as bad as it used to be, but there are still things that make me see red. Take this article:

http://todaynews.today.com/_news/2013/02/06/16873189-school-staff-duct-taped-girl-with-down-syndrome-to-her-shoes

First of all: it's SHOES. Get some perspective. It's not like there's book burning going on. And I don't blame her; I take my shoes off every chance I get, too.

Second of all: Those parents are unbelievable; I can't believe how calm and collected they were. I would have probably done something incredibly unreasonable and irrational.

You would think special ed teachers would be the most patient, kind, understanding, accepting people out of the whole teacher population. But looking back at my brother's teachers, they really aren't (except for his high school teachers-they were absolutely amazing. I am so grateful for them, that he had these wonderful women in his life). And I don't understand that.

Tolerance. Inclusion. Acceptance. Understanding. Love.  As a sister, that is what I want out of people for my brother. I can't imagine that parents (of any child) would want something different for their child.

I think that about covers it (for now). I'll probably have to get back up on my soapbox at some point, but for now I'm stepping down.

The Maiden's Court: Author Interview with B. N. Peacock & Giveaway

The Maiden's Court: Author Interview with B. N. Peacock & Giveaway: Today I would like to introduce you all to debut author, B. N. Peacock.  Her new book, A Tainted Dawn , is the first book in her Great War ...

To read the author interview and enter the giveaway click the link above!!!

When would you go?

Over Christmas I was chatting with my parents and my Dad asked me a question that took me awhile to answer. What my Dad had asked me was this: If you could go anywhere in the world at any time, when would you go?

I thought for a little bit, visions of Imperial Rome, Pompeii, ancient Mesoamerica, medieval Italy sweeping through my mind. I couldn't decided on a place and a time and told my Dad so. He gave me a little grief for it :) but then I asked him the same question back. At this point my mom jumped in and mentioned something about this sounding like a Mitch Albom book (For One More Day) about a son who goes back in time to spend one day with his mom who died eight years earlier. We eventually strayed from this line of conversation but it really got me thinking.

I've only really ever known one out of four grandparents. My paternal grandmother died before my parents met and my two grandfathers died the year I turned four. I have numerous other family members who died before I got a chance to meet them and one uncle who passed just four years ago.

So, would I choose to meet one of them? Someone I had never known? That was only connected me via the stories I had heard?

Or, would I choose to witness, first hand, some of the more well-known events of the world's history?

My Dad is a great story-teller. He doesn't really get sidetracked and he, usually, makes it to the end of the story without repeating himself or forgetting where he is in the story. He has this beautiful picture of his mother on his dresser and I remember when I was younger I would ask to hear stories about her, Bonnie.

He would tell me stories about when he and his siblings were younger, about when his parents were still alive, about all their moves, and things he did that were stupid and how he would get in trouble for them. She sounded like such a wonderful, sweet woman and I would imagine what it would be like if she was still alive.

Now that I had though about all that, and had, for so long, wanted to meet this woman, my grandmother, whose grave we go to every time we are in Arkansas, I knew that was when I would go.

I would meet my grandmother and, depending on when I went, I would get to meet my dad and my aunt and uncle when they were children. There is that one drawback, though: knowing you will have to leave and knowing you will have to say goodbye, only having that short amount of time with that person. But still, can you imagine what an experience that would be?

New Recipe!

Last night we didn't really have a dinner set in stone, but I had just gone grocery shopping so we had a lot of options. I got some gnocchi and we had a lot of veggies so I made a vegetarian dish. It was really quick and easy to make, not to mention DELICIOUS! Here's what I did:

What you need:
I package Gnocchi
1 yellow medium onion, chopped
1/2 carton of cherry tomatoes
1 T minced garlic
A HUGE handful of mushrooms (you can use however many you want, actually)
2 C baby spinach
1/4 C feta cheese
2 T oil

What to do:

1. Cook the gnocchi according to the package directions.
2. Saute the garlic and onions in oil in a frying pan
3. Add the cherry tomatoes and mushrooms. Cook until the cherry tomatoes burst and the mushrooms are not quite so crispy.
4. Once everything is cooked to your liking ad the spinach and cook until the spinach is wilted.
5. Add the feta and heat until it's melted.
6. Pour sauce over gnocchi.
Enjoy!!

This was definitely enough for the two of us. If you're cooking for more than two you can double it and have leftovers.